I don't know what to do anymore

I TRY to have fun. I TRY to live my life, but if I'm not depressed, everyone hates me.  I can't do anything without someone hating on me for it.  This is getting ridiculous.  I will go out of my way to defend people being made fun of, or help someone in anyway that I can.  I'm poor and still will give the homeless what I have if they ask.  The only time I am EVER mean to somehow, or disagree with any opinions of theirs is when they are trying to hit on me in a very inappropriate way or hurting someone else.

People say they're just jealous, but why the hell would anyone be jealous of me?  I have been through so much shit and honestly don't know how I'm still here on this Earth, but nobody sees that.  Nobody cares.  All they want to do is creep and find one little thing to expand on and make me feel/sound like a horrible person.  If only they knew.. seriously.  I am the most stable right now that I have been in my life and that says a lot.  Not only do I semi-enjoy my life, but I'm in college doing something with my life.  I have a few good friends, which are hard to find because everyone hates me for something. Everyone says, "Maybe you should look at yourself and see what you're doing wrong... and see why people hate you."  Well, you don't think i think about that EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE?!  I just don't understand how random people I don't know hate me when I never do shit to anyone.  I wouldn't even defend myself until recently when everyone really started getting under my skin.  Why do people WANT me to hate myself? I would never wish that on anyone because I know what it is like.  Thanks to everyone that helps..

I am a person.. with feelings.. like everyone.  What is the point of bashing me just to make me feel bad? I don't believe in bad people usually and actually wrote a ten page paper explaining why, but my mind is being changed more and more each day.

I have wanted to give up so many times.

Get to know me before you hate me.

Life...

Recently I have been in a "fuck life" type of mindset.  What happened? I mean... that is a dumb question, because I know exactly what happened.  It wasn't just one thing, but a string of events; a year of "what the fuck" moments; even more years of betrayal.  Why must things that happen change my entire way of thinking?  You would think I would be proud of myself for getting through everything and accomplishing everything that I have; nope.  I have always had problems in my life, but would remain optimistic, no matter what.  Why not now?  I wish I could control my mind, I really do.  I would like to think no one can control their minds, therefor I'm just normal.  Really, though I just don't know.  I try to live life to the fullest and embrace everything positive, but when the negatives outshine the positives, this becomes a problem.

The idea of Karma interests me.  It makes sense and it would be nice to believe in something, even if it's just an idea, rather than a being or god of some sort.  But, when I have the worst luck of anyone I know and EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong, and I haven't done a thing to deserve it, my belief in karma dies.  Life is just so stressful and confusing and it stresses me out even more that supposedly, these are the "good years"; the "easy years".  Please tell me that is not the case.  I'd like to believe that once I graduate college and make a life for myself, I will be happy.  Once I have money, I will be happy.  That's sad, but I don't care.  Everyone knows money truely can buy happiness, no matter what anyone says.  It might not buy "true" happiness, but life would definitely be much less stressful if I had money to do whatever I wanted.  Money can buy anything besides love and that is something I have already found.

I'm just ranting and I don't even know if this makes sense, but there is another spill out of my mind.
Thanks for reading <3

Time is mysterious

Time goes by faster and faster as the years go by; which is terrifying, considering I'm not even twenty yet.  Will life really keep flying by faster and faster as I age?  I remember when I was little my birthday seemed like an eternity away and when it finally got "here" My excitement would be through the roof and it would be amazing.  Nowadays when my birthday comes around, it doesn't even seem like it should be my birthday already.. it's just another day.. that came by way too fast.  This could also be due to the fact that birthdays just aren't exciting anymore, but that's another topic entirely.  I know it's been said a billion times, but life is just way too short and I find myself worrying more about wasting my life away and just wasting time in general, than actually making the most of my time and living.  

If only there was a way to savor time better.  Some days I think I might as well do nothing with my life because time seems to go by much slower when I'm bored.  However, I just cannot make myself get out of this "go, go, go" fast-pased lifestyle.  I need to find a good middle-ground.  If only there was a way to live a full, exciting life and yet it still go by slow. I wonder if as I age I will stop worrying about the topic so much.  Once I've accomplish a great deal in my life, will I stop worrying about dying?  Will I be happy enough with my life to be content with the age I die at?  I won't know until the day comes, i suppose.  Whenever that may be, I hope I am fully prepared.. if that is even possible.

formspring.me

Do you know why the military is moving the Patton Museum from Ft Knox to Georgia?

they aren't moving the whole Patton Museum, just a lot of big guns, most of their tanks and mainly just stuff from WWI. From what I've heard and seen I'm pretty sure they're attempting to create more of an administrative feel in Kentucky, rather than just the home of armor. Mainly, the loss of tanks will be very notice able and will definitely make the base realignment more obvious. Georgia has a great home for all these tanks and weapons.

I'm honest :) Ask anything..

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when will we see you in playboy?

i would say, most likely never. I really don't think the whole world should be able to see me naked, especially since I plan on having my own t.v. show one day and everyone will already know everything about me. I need something that's personal just for me and my boyfriend (husband) or whatever. Plus, I want people to take me seriously, which is already nearly impossible to accomplish without stripping down like a bimbo.

I'm honest :) Ask anything..

nose pierced :)

diamonds on muh nose, diamdondiamonds in my liiip

Stress Stress Stress

I was so pumped about taking 18 hours this semester.  Not only is it 6 hours more than required for being a full time college student, but I would be getting a lot of essential classes out of the way.  I was doing so well and haven't missed any classes... then came College Algebra.  The first day of this class, I get there and my professor doesn't speak English.  It's freakin ALGEBRA.. HELLO! How in the world am I supposed to understand it by just seeing all these numbers and symbols on the board?  I need things explained to me in order to learn them, at least once.  Is that too much to ask?  I just can not to it anymore.  I went to class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and today was my last day in Algebra.  I had to drop as much as I hated it.  I tried my very best and still got a 23% on my first assignment.  Never have I been this horrible at math... maybe because usually teachers teach.  efoksdgljdslgsldgh

On top of that, I keep hearing all these horrible things random girls that I don't even know are saying about me.  Me, of all people.  Why do they feel the need to say stuff about people they know nothing about?  Does it make them feel better about themselves acting like an immature little girl?  Whatever. Don't hate the player hate the game... lol ;-)

Last but not least, Jake missed his final Navy swimming/running & all that test this morning due to the flu.. he was excused from it but now we don't know when he's going to leave.  I don't know if I'd rather it be sooner or later because I obviously don't want him to leave, but the sooner he does, the sooner the 10months of training away from me will be over...


I'm tired of typing.

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You are the most perfect person I have ever seen, honestly.

psh. I really appreciate that, but no one is perfect. I have a lot of baggage & problems just like everybody. most of my problems, however deal with my mind.

I'm honest :) Ask anything..

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I'm honest :) http://formspring.me/shelbynelson

Good By Nature

Do you ever wonder why people do the things they do? The human mind is very mysterious, although good by nature. We all have our reasons for doing what we do, whether others see them as good reasons or not. Every mind thinks differently, so who is to say what is and is not good reasoning? I believe humans are all generally good and there aren’t bad people. There might be those who do things considered unacceptable, of course. No one is greater than human, therefore, mistakes will be made. Everyone justifies their actions even if said actions are only justified in their own minds.

In an interview with Cari Pearson, who does psychological research, she told me her thoughts on the topic. Pearson believes that in general, people are good. Some might not understand the ramifications of their actions, though. In another interview, trying to find an opposing side, Idean Taghizadeh made some great points for both sides of this argument. He started by saying, “It’s the environmental factors and the way they grew up and their attitudes basically reflect their views towards what they see.” I later asked Taghizadeh, “Do you understand the opposing side’s argument, as far as someone who believes there are bad people?” He replied, “Yes, because people can sometimes refuse to cooperate with other human beings which are their own kind. They still resort to killing each other.” Idean brings an excellent point. During a war, the War on Terrorism in Iraq for instance, both sides see their own deeds of killing as good and the killing of their own as bad; When in reality, they’re both at fault and it is just senseless. Should United States citizens, who vote for the war to continue, be viewed as bad people? They’re supporting a legal murder between countries. Should the government be viewed as bad for going to those lengths as far as war goes? “Many Americans consider dropping the bomb on Hiroshima good whereas many Japanese consider it evil” (Pickover, par. 3). So who is to say which side is right? Should the Democrats be considered bad people for being pro-choice? Abortions obviously take lives, but the democrats who support it do not see it as anything wrong. A woman might justify getting an abortion by saying that she isn’t ready to have a child so it would just be wrong to have the baby. A more conservative person might argue that she shouldn’t blame this unborn child for her mistakes and there are plenty of people that would give anything to adopt her baby. Most liberals, however, view the situation as a life that could have been, but never was, so doesn’t matter. If that is truly the belief of that group of people, they cannot be blamed.

Stereotyping is what has caused the belief of “bad” people. People are categorized as bad people when the outside world sees certain aspects of their lives, but not the whole picture. If anyone had the ability to understand the thoughts and lives of another person, they would then have the right to judge. A man robs a convenient store, so most would see him as a bad person. You don’t know what you would do in his shoes because you don’t know his life and more importantly you aren’t him. His children may be in desperate need of food and he’s just trying to make ends meet. Yes, robbing a store is against the law and everything, but like most of us, this figurative character puts his family first. He does what he thinks needs to be done. This man could very well be a case of Antisocial Personality disorder and/or depression due to irresponsible work behavior causing him to be unemployed and struggle financially.

In some cases, a person might have an antisocial personality disorder, causing them to be unaware of the feelings of others. They are completely ignorant to the fact that their actions affect anyone other than himself or herself and have an absolute disregard for the rights of others. This disorder, although lasting through adulthood, begins in childhood or early adolescence. Antisocial personality disorder may cause individuals to be aggressive towards or harass others, steal, destroy property, and etc. These individuals might oftentimes be manipulative and insincere to gain pleasure or to achieve personal profit. Since they don’t understand what they’re doing is so wrong, they cannot be considered “bad” people. One might argue that everyone knows the difference between wrong and right, which is true to an extent, but one with such a disorder does not even think like that. Just because they have been told something is wrong, doesn’t mean their mind fully adapts to the concept.

Sometimes people, who may seem to have antisocial behavior may in fact just be part of a protective survival strategy, so should not be diagnosed. However, many times, with females especially, antisocial personality disorder may be under diagnosed. This happens because aggressive behavior is emphasized in the definition of Conduct Disorder. Continuous lying, conning others, even using an alias are all signs of antisocial personality disorder. You might think these actions are obviously wrong, but how many times have you, yourself taken part in such acts? Do you consider yourself a bad person? If you answered yes, you certainly aren’t because if there were bad people wouldn’t you think they wouldn’t admit to their flaws? For the sake of argument, let us say there are people out there that are not generally good. Criminals are criminals, no excuses. It is the criminal’s fault that their life is destroyed. A man on death row deserves what’s coming, rather than just getting psychological help. That does seem like an easy solution, does it not? Tell me this; Why would somebody do something harmful to themselves or others if they didn’t have a good reason for doing so, even if the reason is only good in their mind? Why would a man commit a crime knowing the consequences could very well ruin or even end his life? They may be unconcerned about, or provide a selfish rationalization for their act of mistreating, hurting, or stealing from someone. Some criminals might condemn their victims for being ignorant, defenseless, or deserving their fate; they probably minimize the damaging consequences of their crimes; or they may just have a lack of concern.

I do believe that we should be held responsible for our actions. It’s only fair. Even if these actions were an accident. There’s a difference between doing something wrong, purposefully as opposed to accidentally. Nevertheless, either way your responsibilities are nothing but your own. “…blatant mistakes just aren't about right and wrong, black and white, mistakes now take on a whole new dimension in that it must be proven if you meant to make a mistake or not” (Grace, par. 4). We usually know when we’ve made a mistake. However, individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder show very little regret for the consequences of their acts. The majority of “criminals” don’t need prison or the electrical chair. They need serious psychological help. Some people cannot control their minds. A psychopath makes spontaneous decisions without putting much thought into them, if any thought at all. They may also commit acts of assault whether that be child abuse or spouse abuse. Most who take part in those acts were already very familiar with that sort of lifestyle as early as their infant years. When you see a certain act taking place frequently over time, wouldn’t you consider that the norm? Wouldn’t you feel as if that behavior might be needed in some cases?

On the show “LOCKUP: Inside Brushy Mountain Correctional Complex”, they tell extreme stories of the prisoners they hold and the prisoners are actually interviewed a lot of the time. Some of the things these men say are unbelievable. Inmates will sit there and rationally talk about the crimes they have committed, which are mainly murders. On the show, prisoners who are placed in isolation will have annual meetings to take a look at their behavior over the last year to see if they would be able to move into the normal prison. One prisoner, at his yearly meeting, was trying to be transferred to a prison closer to his mother because he is all she has and she can’t afford to come visit him very often. He is refused the transfer because of behavior he displayed almost a year ago. Because of his refusal, the inmate, once back at his isolated cell, begins to act like an animal. He is cussing profusely and threatening the guards, as well as everyone else that works at or for the prison. He throws anything he can find at the window on his door until it is completely shattered. Yes, this is extreme behavior, but keep in mind, this is all because he wants to be able to get visits from his mom in prison. This man seems to be an example of someone who reflects the norm. We later find out that his mother was in a very abusive relationship most of his life, up until he went to prison at age eighteen. In an interview with the inmates mother says talks about how she can’t believe her son is living in such a place and she feels like it’s all her fault. Her son grew up around that behavior. He grew up getting verbally and physically abused for every mistake he made. If he had grown up with two parents that were very loving toward him, he probably wouldn’t be this way. Sure, he would have the same problems every man has, and might have anger problems, but he wouldn’t be a prisoner. I later on asked Pearson, “Do you believe that a serial killer justifies what they’ve done in their minds?” She quickly responded with, “Yes, in general. Most killers probably experience paranoia and most likely don’t understand the ramifications of their actions. Psychopaths, for example, feel no empathy.”

The case I discussed above is the typical prisoner story. No one ever talks about how the ones who claim victims, might very well be victims themselves. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, a French political philosopher, won a contest held by the Academy of Dijon over the question: “Has the progress of the sciences and arts contributed to the corruption or to the improvement of human conduct?" He strongly believed that humans are good by nature and that it is society that corrupts them. This is the case in most prisoner stories. Their actions match up perfectly to the way they were brought up. In most cases, men that beat their wives or girlfriends witnessed that sort of behavior as a child. Similarly, women who were in or a witness to abusive relationships when they were younger, are usually the ones in these same horrible relationships as they age. This is another example of just following the norm and doing what feels right to you. Society just wants to point a finger and come to the easy conclusion that criminals are bad people who don’t feel. When really, I would argue that they feel more than the rest of us, which is why they get into such situations.

To fully understand the life and mind of a serial killer, u should take a look at their past, their adolescence, in particular. In most cases, serial killers come from extremely dysfunctional backgrounds. The resentment they have for their own society may come from their upbringing and history of an inability to be socially accepted, physical or sexual abuse, sexual frustration, absent parents, etc. All the previously stated, are horrible conditions to grow up in. Everyone reacts to past events in other ways, so who is to say wasn’t is a normal reaction? Children who grow up in such situations learn very early in life how to manage. Some might manage their problems better than others, but that is merely chance. No child can be held fully responsible for the way their mind wants them to do things. Serial killers have a wild imagination, which is usually an effect of the previous childhood issues. They can create a fantasy world in their own minds where they can control their life and the lives of others.

There are many humans throughout history who some people like Cliff Pickover might consider to be evil. Adolf Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, Tomas de Torquemada, and countless others have made a huge impact on millions of people for their own selfish reasoning. There is no way any of these men were sane. They all could have used psychological help. For example, Hitler was in fact a good leader, as far as giving his country a feeling of hope for the German race and it’s future. He gained trust of Germany and other countries with his ideas. They sounded good at first, but then some might say he turned into a monster. He was motivated by his hatred of himself. This hatred led to the hatred of everyone like him. Hitler was gay, and hated that aspect of him, causing him to attempt to free the world of gays. He had dark hair and dark eyes, and yet so did the majority of his victims. He was also Austrian, not German. He experienced belching, bloating, and serious abdominal spasms. He had regular headaches, heart trouble, and hypertension and often complaining on ringing in his ear. “And while the Nazi leader was afflicted with a variety of physical ills, both real and psychogenic, he suffered from nothing severe enough to take the blame for his crimes” (Goode, par. 3). Although this is a very strong argument, it goes to show that Hitler was obviously not sane. Even in this drastic case, the basic rule still applies. Hitler really felt he had to do what he was doing. It obviously was a very wrong and evil doing, but he himself was completely convinced that his reasons were valid ones. His actions were justified in his own mind, which is all he knew.

Whether a criminal or a victim; an American or an Iraqi; rich or poor, we are one in the same. We all have our problems. Some might be unique to ourselves or we might share a common issue with a large part of the population. Everyone has their stories and our reasons why we are the way we are. “For all action has a reaction and that reaction is either negative or positive and in our world a negative reaction tends to surmount to a mistake, but surely you didn't mean to be negative for if we did that would mean we premeditated our mistake” (Grace, par. 3). Life is made up of bad choices and mistakes we make. Bad people don’t make mistakes, humans do.

Death Penalty

Kant states: In killing another person you will that killing be allowed in general. Thus, the killer wills his own execution.

Many disagree with Kant, in this statement especially. However, I think his idea is dead on. If the person who is on trial, with the chance of execution, had in fact executed one or more people him/herself, why would it be wrong to give them a taste of their own medicine? Some argue that it is still unjust to kill, in any case. I ask, who says? Your mom? Last I heard, the law was in charge of this matter. If the law states something is legal, than who are we to argue? Yeah I understand the law has been wrong countless times, slavery for instance, but in different cases which is an entirely different case. The law, the murdered and family, and the murderer should be the only basis behind any decision of whether or not the death penalty should be the punishment. I guarantee you that all of the parties I stated will agree that the death penalty is fair even if they (murderer) don't admit to it.